This article is written by Mukanda Asha, executive assistant at the Open Institute, Nairobi Kenya

There is nothing worse than feeling out of place — feeling like you are in a position or place that you do not deserve.

That feeling that brews deep in you no matter how hard you try to conceal it. It is present in everyday life. It makes you apprehensive. This inner critic makes it seem like you are in someone else’s realm. It strips you of comfort and confidence. It takes over quite slowly. It sneaks up on you, slowly like a tendril around a tree. Like misery, it thrives in silence where it slices you into pieces.

The imposter syndrome can do a number on anyone. It exposes you to a calibre of vulnerability that can feel alien. As a woman in a professional environment, the imposter syndrome has pulled a couple on me. I had never experienced it until I started my new job as an executive assistant at the Open Institute. I went from being the bubbly girl to suffering from episodes of anxiety. My subconscious repeatedly told me that I did not deserve my position, let alone reporting to my superior.

In addition to making me insecure, my imposter syndrome made me question the choices I had made ages ago

I had been introduced to a fast paced organisation and a lifestyle that was very different from the days on campus I had been used to. I went from handling one class per day, to attending up to three meetings daily and curating the CEO's calendar all while trying to finish my degree. I left work late and was in just in time.

I wanted to impress, I wanted to get a good job and make a career for myself. Unfortunately for me, I was starting out and because of this I was falling short of all my expectations.

The learning curve of self-doubt

The imposter syndrome put me in an awkward position, and since I was feeling out of place and like a failure, the energy was transferred to my work. I could not meet the simplest deadlines nor could I eloquently get basic work down. I lived in fear because I could be fired at anytime and also because I had been given a golden opportunity. I wanted to excel, I wanted to prove to my superior and most importantly to myself that I could do it. I did not want to come out as a sell out, so the pressure was on.

The imposter syndrome - if not identified and handled - can escalate to anxiety. My imposter syndrome manifested in several ways. I became rude. I admit I am abrasive by nature but this was on a whole other level. I became defensive and would retreat into a sulking mood when corrected. In addition to making me insecure, my imposter syndrome made me question the choices I had made ages ago. From lifestyle, to the friendships I had made over the years. It took me a couple of months before I could find my footing — five to be exact. At this point I had mastered my superior, I knew his likes and dislikes. I was in tune with my work and the small mistakes I made reminded me that I was human.

Did it take me a while? Yes it did. Was I on the verge of quitting? I sure was, but what kept me sane was the immense support that I received from my work mates and my superior. He realised that I was coming from a different place, one with fewer expectations and responsibilities.

I still doubt myself from time to time, I second guess my steps and the bouts of anxiety still manifest, but I am doing better than I was before. My journey with self doubt has a learning curve, one that has surely made me a better person.

I have been advised that getting in the know is one of the most important ways of tackling this syndrome. “I only need to understand the nature of my work, not at face value but in-depth,” and that would be my cure. I also need to break the silence, speak out on the areas that I need help. This will help alleviate the feeling.

As odd as it may sound, I am thankful that I have had to suffer from this. I am grateful for the fact that the imposter syndrome came early in my career. I am forever indebted to the imposter syndrome for choosing me. I have and I am learning a lot on the subject and also my response to it. For now aluta continua (the struggle continues). — Mukanda Asha

(Picture credit: Unsplash)