This article is written by Rell DeShaw, manager within the Government of Canada

I hate conflict as much as you do, but here’s why I still wade into sticky situations, even if I don’t always do so elegantly.

A long time ago I went to law school. If at this point your mind is already drifting towards the usual stereotypes, you’ll imagine I enjoyed arguing or debating with people. In fact, I have always been an introvert who on most days lets the phone go to voicemail and silently celebrates when meetings are cancelled. So no, I did not relish the battle of wits law students are often assumed to enjoy.

That said, I will more often than not wade into difficult situations that are affecting my work and personal life. That is not to say that I always do so elegantly. If I think you have transgressed my justice-seeking principles, I am more apt to fumble the interaction and may even temporarily harm the relationship.

I am happy to share what I have learned so far about mending the damage moments of conflict can cause.

How to beat your anxieties around conflict

You might now be thinking: Why bother? I’ve asked myself this too on more than one occasion.

The psychological cost of entering into a conflict can gnaw away at me, often between the hours of 2:00am and 4:00am. And I often use an idea from Brene Brown to push me through: “Choose discomfort over resentment”.

Often, if I stick my neck out to broach a difficult topic, I find out that the other person either knows there is a problem and wants resolution (but didn’t know where to start), or didn’t know there was a problem but is grateful to have been informed. Looking back on occasions when I’ve intervened in difficult situations over the years, I cannot think of one case where the intervention didn’t in some way improve the situation.

My advice is to prepare in advance. The conversation between you and the other person will likely be more productive if you organise your thoughts into the words you’re going to say to them when the time comes. You will be able to prepare a good frame for the discussion that may be more helpful than merely a reaction to the last thing that happened. Think about a situation where you want to ask an employee why they are chronically late for meetings. However, if you take some distance from the situation you may realise that it might be more meaningful to raise whether they are disenchanted with the job more generally.

Going to the balcony

I also usually benefit from some cooling-off time to get a bit of distance from the situation. I often think of the expression “going to the balcony” from William Ury’s book ‘Getting to yes.’

Don’t procrastinate so long that you avoid having the conversation at all because you are worried about how to start the discussion — just start somewhere.

And I almost always pull in a trusted resource to make a checklist of all the angles I need to have covered. I can recommend investing in your own copy of ‘Difficult conversations’,‘Crucial conversations’ or a primer like this on non-violent communication. If you have little time for consulting other resources, consider the following perspective shifts in advance of your chat.

Can you, for instance, find the most generous interpretation possible for the other person’s behaviour? To again borrow from Brene Brown, can you assume that they are doing the best they can? Can you consider what is at stake for the other person’s identity that may be causing them to act in this way?

Behaviour you find difficult or troubling may have seemed to serve someone well in the past. As suggested in “Difficult Conversations”, consider how you might have a learning conversation about what happened. Also consider explaining the effect of a behaviour on you/the team. Finally, consider what role you yourself might have played in coming to this place.

Ask to talk to the parties involved in a separate meeting, sooner rather than later, and jump in at the deep end. I have found that it helps to dedicate meetings to talk about the ‘How’ of working and not just the files themselves, and I try to be transparent about this intent when I set up the meeting.

Don’t let the moment slip by

I try not to wait too long to chat to someone with whom I’m experiencing difficulties. When I push the meeting too far into the future, I forget that this is also hard on the other person. They will be left feeling unsure of what exactly it is I wanted to raise.

And, lastly, don’t procrastinate so long that you avoid having the conversation at all because you are worried about how to start the discussion — just start somewhere.

Over the years, in moments when I am in a state of despair as to how a relationship is in a rocky place, notwithstanding all my training, from law, to management, to communications, I appreciate the words of American author and former dot com business executive Seth Godin, who says:

“Instead of cursing or fearing the down moments, understand that they mean you’ve chosen reality, not some unsustainable fantasy. It means that you’re doing worthwhile, difficult work, not merely amusing yourself. The very thing you’re seeking only exists because of the whole.”

We are doing difficult and necessary work when we have the courage to invest in maintaining important relationships, by whatever means it takes. — Rell DeShaw

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