This post is written by Rell DeShaw, Manager in the Government of Canada.

  • The problem: While we don’t want to burden colleagues with our problems, sometimes we can’t sort them all out by ourselves.

  • Why it matters: Covid has caused us to be even more isolated while we work through problems big and small. The impact on our ability to be good workers as well as our overall wellbeing can be significant.

  • The solution: Leaning on others to help us talk things through is a simple but powerful tool to help achieve clarity and move to solutions.

A few times in the past year I have grappled with feedback I have received in various settings that has caused me to get stuck in some difficult rumination loops.

Notwithstanding that I think I am fairly self aware and consider humility a core guiding principle, in both cases, the feedback was a surprise because I thought I had been a ‘good citizen’ (a classic identity-under siege-moment if you know the book, ‘Thanks for the Feedback’).

In the end, I walked around quite wounded for a few days and started on the hunt for a perspective shift.

I used a couple of items from my existing toolkit that helped:

  • I used the 10/10/10 lens to really challenge myself to understand if my worries would matter in ten minutes, ten months or ten years.
  • I also gave it time and as usual, I felt a bit more balanced after a few days.
  • I leaned on meditation practices to help ground me a bit.

But the thing that helped most was this: finding a trusted person and deciding to share what I was going through.

Some tips on talking it through

These subsequent exchanges were affirming and helped inch me further into placing the feedback into its proper context. A good friend of mine called feedback ‘information’ and I like the neutrality of that. What you do with it is up for grabs.

I was able to slot the information I had received into a continuum of interpretations.

  • Yes, I have heard a version of this before - it was a bad day and I slipped into a bad habit.
  • I stand by what I did as appropriate for that moment, but I now understand that how I handled myself was hard on that person and I need to be aware of that in future.
  • This feels completely unexpected and unfamiliar and I don’t get it. I wonder how many times I have done this? I need to ask the team to give me feedback on that.
  • We all have to deal with outlier perspectives but treat them as such.

If you want to dive into a space where you might try to talk it through, here is what you’ll need:

Some courage, humility and an open mind:

If you are a person who prides themselves on being independent, resilient and not bothering others, you will need the ability to admit that even you may benefit from help to understand if your take on things makes sense.

A willingness to try to hit the right balance of who to lean on (and when and how much):

This may be the part that requires the most caution.

You may be holding back from sharing what you are going through because you are worried about dumping on anyone and especially the wrong person. Fair enough - particularly in a professional setting, this can be a high wire act. I have gotten it wrong more than once (and even when I thought I had explicit permission to share openly in closed spaces).

Some safe bets on people to turn to:

  • A former boss with whom you had good rapport/knows you well
  • A peer with whom you get on well
  • Any colleague or friend who you trust (will hold your information in confidence), who also has the time to speak to you.

You can also ask for advice from a mentor or coach. Yes, you may have to pay for the privilege - in my books, this is worth it.

Sharing is not venting — venting can actually drag you back into the negative emotion without any positive benefit.

To quote Atul Gawande: “Want to get great at something? Hire a coach” and brace yourself - it may get worse before it gets better.

What you’ll get:

With luck you will find the outlet to speak about a difficult emotion (understanding that it is a lot of work to suppress negative emotions) and the promise of a different perspective. And similar to writing it out or seeking counselling, putting words to the situation may give you clarity and distance.

That said, sharing is not venting - venting can actually drag you back into the negative emotion without any positive benefit.

“It turns out, however, that this type of emotional venting [a “let it all out” approach”] likely doesn’t soothe anger as much as augment it. That’s because encouraging people to act out their anger makes them relive it in their bodies, strengthening the neural pathways for anger and making it easier to get angry the next time around.”

Be a listening ear to someone else

Maybe you are not ready to dive into talking it through with someone, but you can still hold space for someone else. Sometimes you don’t need to say much to be affirming:

  • I hear how difficult that was
  • That is the perspective of one person
  • What would help you process this? (e.g., you could offer how you dealt with a similar situation).

In summary, leaning on others to help talk through problems is a simple but powerful tool to help us see other viewpoints, achieve clarity and find solutions. With so many of us battling isolation, it's more important than ever to build support networks to help protect our wellbeing.

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