This article is written by Paula Benson, a Canadian public servant. The views expressed in this article are the author’s own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Canadian government.

My hands are shaking as I type this, even though I feel stronger than ever. I feel empowered and vulnerable. Empowered because my story might be able help others, vulnerable because I might be revealing too much.

I have worked as a public servant for almost 28 years in the province of Manitoba. Throughout this time, my identity and self worth has been based on the different roles I’ve had in government.

And then, suddenly, my life turned upside down, very unexpectedly and without warning. I was forced to take a leave of absence from my work, and was diagnosed with a mental health injury — Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

My world as I knew it felt even more uncertain and dangerous than I had ever imagined. I lost many aspects of my life including a large part of my identity, as I was no longer at work and therefore, did not know who I was.

I returned to work in a completely different position than I had left, and it felt overwhelming and intimidating. I was still in the “re-build, re-discovery” phase of recovery.

The first year I isolated myself because I was angry, resentful, fearful and embarrassed. I felt very alone; I knew no one that was like me. Little did I know that by isolating myself to feel safe, I was actually hurting myself more. In therapy, I have discovered that healing from trauma requires community and connection to others.

As I approach my one-year anniversary of returning to work after a three-year leave, I want to share some lessons learned and recommendations for others who may be having a similar experience.

Make return to work collaborative

When my therapist cleared me to return to work, the process to find accommodation, or work placement, that would support my restrictions began. It was a long process and at times, the anxiety I felt about returning to work was overwhelming. I felt anxious and afraid because it felt like I wasn’t a part of the process.

After a position was found, I started the graduated “return to work”. The first in-person meeting about the position was with those who were managing my file and it felt like they had more information about my future than I did. The meeting was held in the same building I previously worked in. I was terrified, anxious, embarrassed, triggered and nervous to be physically in that location.

I returned to work in a completely different position than I had left, and it felt overwhelming and intimidating. I was still in the “re-build, re-discovery” phase of recovery. I had zero self-confidence. I recall being asked, “What are your skills?” and I was not able to answer that question. It was emotional not knowing who I was and what my skills were.

Based on my experience and feeling disconnected from the process, I assumed they likely knew very little about me and they may have felt uncomfortable with my reaction. I felt very embarrassed and insecure during that meeting for all the reasons stated above.

Return to work should be a collaborative process that accommodates both the needs of the employer and the employee. This might look like:

  • Regular, in-person meetings with the case manager(s), employer, therapist and the employee during the “return to work” process so that the person returning to work knows what to expect and feels part of the process.

  • Meeting off-site in the community or a mutually agreed upon location, ensuring the person returning to work feels safe.

  • A “graduated return to work” to support ongoing medical appointments, therapy sessions, fatigue and self-care.

  • Having an advocate/support attend meetings with the person returning to work (if they choose), to:

*   Feel safe travelling to and from meetings

*   Feel supported during the meeting
*   Have someone to debrief with after the meeting

Feeling vulnerable is natural

Until I fell ill, I never knew how to feel vulnerable. I never gave myself permission to feel vulnerable because I had to be strong and confident for others in my previous roles.

I have written this because I know others will be in the same situation, and I wanted to share my experiences so you can hopefully make the best of a bad situation.

Feeling comfortable with being vulnerable takes practice. It is important to take the time and space to do this safely. I had to be honest with not only myself but also my peers on how I was feeling. The support I received has been incredible and I feel more comfortable expressing my feelings, fears and vulnerabilities.

Internal peer support and networks can be a great resource. Internal peer support needs to be intentional and safe for members as fear and trust of others is real.

When asked to do new tasks at work, I had to learn how to sit in my feelings of “not being perfect”. New and unfamiliar tasks triggered my anxiety but with each “bold attempt”, I realised that I am human and that is enough and I am at peace with that!

Being vulnerable is part of building resilience, which in turn, supports personal growth and confidence in dealing with change and adversity in life and in our careers.

If you find yourself in the same situation I was, I want to say that you shouldn’t feel afraid to ask questions. We may not know how to navigate systems that are unfamiliar to us. It is ok not being the expert.

Find a community of peer support

Feeling connected to others who have the same or similar lived experience is important.

I tried finding others who were “like me” but it was difficult. I needed to be with others who would understand, support and show empathy with what I had experienced in my career.

Internal peer support and networks can be a great resource. Internal peer support needs to be intentional and safe for members as fear and trust of others is real. Talk to colleagues, people in your network, or reach out to human resources to find out if there are peer support resources within your organisation.

I also found an external peer support group. When I share my story and fears, I feel validated, understood and supported. We laugh together, we cry together, we heal together. If you are going through this, I would highly recommend you research in-person and virtual peer support groups online or through social media.

Practice self-compassion and patience

I have learnt that recovery is a process and that it takes time. There will be setbacks. Communicate your struggles with your managers, caseworkers, peers and mental health supports. When setbacks occur, this does not mean you have failed or are failing.

It is important to remind yourself of that. Do not get frustrated when you feel anxious. I’ve found that avoiding anxiety increases anxiety. Learning how to cope with anxiety instead of avoiding it is important.

Find balance between your career and with your values. Without balance, the lines become blurred. I am now willing, ready and able to give to myself; previously, I always gave to others and put myself last.

Give yourself permission to slow down. When returning to work it may feel that there are many demands on your body and mind. Time is needed to rest and recover. Time is needed to slow down the central nervous system. Our minds, bodies and soul need rest to recover. Do not be afraid to ask for time for yourself.

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