Difficult conversations can build your confidence

This article is written by Denise Grant, Public Servant and Legal Assistant at the Ministry of the Attorney General.

The views of this author are their own and do not represent the views of Ministry of the Attorney General

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• **The problem: You find yourself **avoiding difficult conversations.
• **Why it matters: **Without these conversations you might be creating fear and anxiety, and perpetuating the problem.
• **The solution: **Tips to prepare for your next tough conversation

Who really wants to have difficult conversations?

I do! I love the challenge of confronting head-on what most people prefer to avoid. That is because I am solution-focused.

To find the solution to any problem, having difficult conversations are a must. Especially when the problem is long-standing. There is no shortcut.

If you are avoiding a tough conversation, you might be babysitting the problem. When it grows and is mature, the problem may be emotionally out of control

For many of you, the slightest thought of having that dreaded conversation triggers fear and anxiety. Whether the conversation is about feelings, identity, or what happened, there is a concern that the other person will reject what you put forward or outright shut it down.

To avoid the trigger, many choose to withdraw and avoid. As time passes and you maintain those imagined responses, you are silently affirming that you should be afraid.

If you are avoiding a tough conversation, you might be babysitting the problem. When it grows and is mature, the problem may be emotionally out of control, leaving you paralyzed with fear, and feeling like you can never get past it. The relationship might have ended. Next thing you know, you are making comments like ‘that’s how I am’.

Let’s look at what is really going on at the heart of racial discrimination and difficult conversations. One side may fear being labelled racist while the other fears their current struggle will continue. As a result, both sides often choose inaction and remain in fear of each other. As a result, they miss opportunities to confront the real problem, perpetuating their own fears and anxiety.

Six years ago, I was promoted. After working successfully in the position for ten months, I was demoted. I was embarrassed because I had lost the competition and felt inadequate. Then I was asked to train my successor, which I did. That turned into humiliation, when for one week I painstakingly did my part in front of all my colleagues. As discomforting as that was for me, it gave me the inner strength to see how I may have been led into that situation. Did I adequately prepare for that competition? Armed with that humbling experience, I decided not to give someone that power over me again. This was an internal victory, a battle against the self!

It is important to practice self-compassion by being kind and understanding towards yourself, especially when you fail, feel inadequate, and suffer, rather than ignoring or turning to self-criticism. The demotion and having to train my successor in the presence of my colleagues were not choices I made willingly. Often that is the case with difficult conversations, they come with pressures and stressors which most of us prefer to ignore.

My colleagues supported me during my humbling journey and spoke with the executives who were in charge of the branch managers who demoted me about the injustice of their decisions. My colleagues were not successful, so the time came when I had to attend meetings to plead my own case. I showed up but realised that nothing was going to change in my favour, and that it was now up to me to get out of the hole I felt I was in.

These uncomfortable experiences only came because I chose to not give up on myself and stayed in the moment, and it felt like a very long moment. I sought out mentors and allies, and accepted their support. I focused on self-improvement. I stayed with the same organisation, applied to law school, and was accepted. To my surprise, I was promoted back into that same position six years later and have recently written my final law exam.

While some people are naturally capable of self-compassion, I had to learn it so I could cope with and manage my discomfort, and confront my fears. When you are suffering it is important that you be warm towards yourself. My self-compassion practice begins with a glass of water and a bowl of salad first thing in the morning. In addition to healthy eating, mindfulness has also been effective to help reframe my negative internal chatter into encouragement. Sometimes I also write a letter to myself which helps me to confront my pain rather than dismissing it.

Before you build connections with anyone, you must first start with yourself. See your own discomfort, pain, and anxiety. Be gentle and kind to yourself. It is only when you can recognize your own vulnerability that you will be better able to put into practice empathy and compassion. Let’s give ourselves permission to be what we are, human beings with emotions in need of patience and kindness so that we can show up to have those difficult conversations.

Change is inevitable. I did it, came out better, and survived! Will you choose to change?

Photo credit: Etienne Boulanger, Unsplash