How to navigate well-meant but unhelpful career advice

This post is written by Shabana Ansari, Senior Policy Analyst, Employment and Social Development Canada (ESDC)

The problem: Women receive a lot of advice but not all of it is useful and can even negatively impact our careers.

Why it matters: Gender discrimination is the main reason why women’s careers suffer. And yet, instead of fixing the system, the burden to change is placed on women.

The solution: Being true to ourselves – even if it means doing the opposite of what we have been told – can be better for our careers since we are censored either way, whether we’re stereotypically “feminine” or not.

(Note: As a non-disabled, neurotypical, cisgender woman, I acknowledge that the approach outlined in the article may not work for everyone, especially those who face challenges and discrimination based on their intersecting identities.)

I’m grateful to everyone who has taken the time to share valuable insights throughout my career. However, even though most advice is well-intended, not everything we hear is helpful and can do more harm than good in the long run.

Often the tips women receive dismiss our intersecting identities and lived experiences and focus more on fixing us rather than the system holding us back.

However, it is possible to forge our own path based on our unique personality, values, and priorities. Here’s how:

Making informed decisions instead of seeking advice from others

At the risk of sounding big-headed, I no longer seek career advice.

What I do instead is reach out to leaders in my network with specific questions, do my own research, and trust myself to eventually make the decision that works best for me.

When faced with a challenge, I pay attention to what I want and why.

I think about how to get there – what the right move or the next step would be. Then I try it out – if it doesn’t work, I learn from it, tweak it or consider another approach.

If it works, I take pride in having done it in a way that felt right to me and was perfect for my situation.

Over the years I have discovered that the more I follow my instincts – about what feels right (or wrong!), when to act or not, what to stand up for and what to let go – the better I get at making informed decisions.

By taking matters in our own hand, seeking information from the right people, and reflecting on the best and worst outcomes, we can train ourselves to seek and accept advice from someone who always has our back – us!

Finding a sponsor instead of a mentor

Women don’t need more mentors. What we need are sponsors.

There is value in having a mentor to bounce off ideas and seek support when needed. But a sponsor can literally be a life-changer, especially because women continue to face barriers as they move up the career ladder.

While mentorship is about private support, a sponsor takes on a more public role by intentionally using their social and professional capital to identify opportunities and connect them to the woman they are sponsoring.

The important question though is: how does one find a sponsor?

I realize it is easier said than done but identifying someone in our social or professional circle who is happy to take on the role is the first step. Despite how difficult it sometimes feels to ask for and get what we need, I believe there are people out there willing to go the extra mile for us, but we’ll never know until we ask!

Focussing on our strengths instead of trying to change ourselves

In my experience, most workplace problems – bullying, harassment, discrimination – are often the direct results of the organization's reluctance to hold toxic employees accountable for the harm they cause.

Instead, too much time is wasted on either trying to control women or blame them for the consequences of other people’s actions.

We are constantly told to change how we talk or present ourselves. And no matter what we say or do, there is usually a lot of conflicting advice and attempts to suppress or minimize us.

“Be assertive” – “You’re intimidating”

“Speak up” – “You’re too loud”

“Don’t apologize” – “You’re full of yourself”

“Stop giggling” – “You should smile more”

“Consider wearing makeup” – “You’re seeking attention”

Hence, the best approach is to continue to behave and show up in ways that align with our values and personality. Trying to fit into boxes other people have created for us is neither healthy nor sustainable. Instead, let’s focus on our strengths, build strong networks within our field, acquire new skills, and keep learning and growing.

A lot of work remains to be done when it comes to gender equality at the workplace, especially in leadership roles. And real progress will only happen when we stop maintaining the status quo and trying to fix women instead of fixing the system.