A few years ago, I found myself somewhere along the early stages of a healing journey—raw, reflective, and trying to make sense of the stories I inherited. Maybe you’ve been there too. In that space, you might come across something that stops you in your tracks. For some, it was a simple exchange between a daughter and her mother:

“Mom, you didn’t do enough.”
“I did the best I could.”

Those words can hit hard. They can also shift everything.

🌿 Seeing Ourselves in the Story

If we’re honest, many of us have stood in the daughter’s shoes—feeling like someone responsible for our care didn’t show up in the ways we needed. And many of us have also stood in the mother’s shoes—doing the best we could with what we had, even if it still fell short.

What’s powerful is realizing that both perspectives can be true at the same time.

That moment of recognition often becomes a turning point. It invites us to consider that the people who raised us, led us, or guided us may have been fighting their own battles, carrying their own traumas, or navigating their own limitations. They may have been giving us the very things they lacked, believing it was enough.

And maybe, in some ways, it was.

🌱 The Missing Ingredient: Empathy

When we pause long enough to see the full picture, something shifts. We begin to understand that:

  • People often give what they wish they had received.
  • They may not have had the resources, awareness, or capacity to give more.
  • Their “best” might not have met our needs—but it was still their best.

This realization doesn’t erase the gaps we experienced. But it does open the door to empathy, understanding, and grace.

And that’s where transformation begins.

🌿 But What If There’s Room for More?

For a long time, many of us settle at this point:
One person didn’t do enough.
The other did the best they could.
Two truths, coexisting.

But then another question emerges—one that changes everything:

What if it isn’t too late to close the gap?

What if the story doesn’t end with acceptance alone? What if there is still room for growth, repair, and deeper connection—personally and professionally?

This conversation isn’t limited by culture, geography, or generation. It’s universal. And it’s ongoing.

🌱 Giving What You Lacked Isn’t Always Giving What Others Need

As leaders, parents, mentors, or caregivers, we often overcorrect based on our own unmet needs.

  • If we lacked educational opportunities, we push education.
  • If we lacked recognition, we make recognition a priority.
  • If we lacked stability, we focus on providing safety and structure.

These are admirable intentions. But they raise an important question:

Is what we’re giving actually what the people in our care need?

Sometimes yes.
Sometimes no.
And the only way to know is through conversation.

🌿 Empathy in Action: The Power of Dialogue

Imagine acknowledging that those who cared for you gave what they could. Now imagine turning that same empathy inward—recognizing that you might also be doing the best you can with what you know today.

This is where leadership becomes intentional.

The next step is simple but powerful: Ask.

Ask the people you lead, support, or care for:

  • “What matters to you?”
  • “What am I missing?”
  • “How can I support you better?”
  • “What do you need that I may not be giving?”

This isn’t about perfection. It’s about narrowing the gap—one honest conversation at a time.

🌱 A Practical Path for Leaders

Here’s how leaders can begin:

1. Reflect

Consider your relationships—at home, at work, in your community. Where might gaps exist? Where might your intentions and their needs not fully align? Remember that your team is diverse and so are their needs. Utilize inclusive and equitable resources to help you through your reflection process.

2. Initiate the Conversation

Set aside time to talk openly. You might say:

“I’ve realized I focus heavily on ______ because it’s something I lacked or valued deeply. But I want to understand what you need. What matters most to you?”

3. Promote Grace and Understanding

These conversations can be vulnerable. Approach them with empathy, patience, and curiosity.

4. Co-Create a Path Forward

Identify what’s possible, what’s meaningful, and what’s realistic. Agree on small steps that build trust and connection.

5. Keep the Dialogue Alive

Needs evolve. People grow.
Make these conversations a rhythm, not a one-time event. Utilize 1-on-1 meetings not only to review project work/initiatives, daily tasks, or performance management. Use them to curate these meaningful moments and much needed conversations. Become the leader you were destined to be and the leader your team greatly needs.

🌿 Tools That Help Close the Gap

We already use tools like love language tests to understand how people give and receive love. Similarly, leaders can use:

These tools don’t replace conversation—they enhance it.

🌱 Let Relationships Thrive, Not Just Survive

There is room for our relationships—personal and professional—to flourish.
There is room for two truths to evolve into something better.
There is room for us to grow into leaders who care with intention, not assumption.

Imagine a future where our conversations sound like:

  • “You care about what matters to me.”
  • “I’m growing to lead and care for my team better.”
  • “You did more than enough.”
  • “My best keeps getting better because of you.”
  • “I appreciate you.”

That’s the kind of leadership that transforms people, teams, families, and communities.

And it starts with one brave, honest conversation.